At my age, 73, I give myself three chances to get my legs in my pants when I get dressed. If I am not successful within the three allotted attempts, I just sit down and put my legs in the pants.
A friend said he just sits down from the get-go. However, he is a little older than me. I am not there yet.
My brother has a sock-putter-onner because he could not bend over to get his socks on. Now that he has lost nearly 80 pounds, which he points out repeatedly, he can put his own socks on without an aid. I still can put on my own socks.
My trouble comes in putting on my upper undergarment. The hooks on my old ones were pretty much worn out, and they had gotten very difficult to hook into the eyes. So, I recently got some new ones from Sal-Liz in Jackson.
The bad news is that they did not have the kind I have been wearing for many years. The really good news is that they were only $62.50 apiece! I have had to pay upwards of $100 for upper undergarments in the past, so $60-ish for a fitted upper undergarment was terrific.
When you get fitted, the attendant fastens it and makes sure it fits correctly. Well, I just threw my old one away, wore the one she put on me, and took the other one home in the bag. The trouble came the next morning when I tried to put it on myself. These new ones are hiked up higher than the kind I have been wearing.
Try as I might, I could not reach the hooks and eyes up that high behind my back. I struggled and worked up quite a sweat before having to ask my daughter for help.
After several days of this, she suggested that I fasten it in the front and turn it around. The problem with that was that it caused something like carpet burns around my midriff.
Finally, I came up with a strategy. I fasten the first two hooks, then work mightily to turn the whole apparatus around. Putting my arms into the straps is also a difficult maneuver, generally resulting in twisted straps that take an age to straighten.
Once that is done, it is still not over. I then have to fasten the other two hooks, when I remember. And I have often forgotten and gone about all day with only half the hooks fastened.
If this all sounds unlikely, we have to remember that I have to be harnessed up like a plow mule due to the size and condition of my bosoms.
It started during the summer between my junior and senior years in high school. I left school after my junior year wearing a size 32AA. When I developed over the summer, they came on me with a vengeance. I started my senior year wearing a 34E. Seriously. It was awful.
Why women ever get big, fake boobs is beyond me. They are uncomfortable and singularly unattractive.
This column is fair warning to those women who have had breast enhancement. One day, they will be 73 and, I promise, the struggle is real.
